There are many things about this time of year that make me grateful. One is the appreciation my friends have within their lives. The best man at my wedding, Roel, lost his father two years ago this time of year. It's a rough spot to be in, I don't know personally, but I have seen what this has done to him. I am grateful for tender hearted people like Roel, who just want to live their lives to be great for those around them. God is a great God and he has allowed me to live a life that I have the fortune to have a family who loves me and tries to support me, as best they can in what I do. Anyway, as you read this, remember all the things you are grateful for. It is the time to give thanks and make time to provide others with those same blessings you have been bestowed.
You received this e-mail because you have been a part of this grieving process. You have supported me in many ways that you could never think of. I just want to say thank you for being there for me, for the little things that you have done to ease my life, and for being a great support to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Tatay is the Tagalog term for Father, my father's name is Senador Roy Gutierrez, we call him Tatay Ador. Two years ago, today, my father passed away at the age of 60. He was battling with double kidney failure and was on dialysis for many years.
Around 4 AM, two years ago, I got the dreaded phone call. I knew when my phone rang and I saw that my brother was calling me, I knew that something happened. I was apprehensive to answer the phone, but I did. I heard the crying in the background, not just my brother but I can faintly hear the rest of my family. My brother informed me that my father just passed away, he suffered from heart attack. My family held him on his last few breaths. They were able to speak to him, and hear him.
Unfortunately for me, I was away in Denver, while my family is in L.A. The last time I saw my father alive was in August, I spent six hours in L.A. on my way back from Hawaii. I drove my father to his dialysis site at 3 AM, and that was my last conversation with him. He expressed his disappointment with me for not choosing to live near home, for not being able to help out with the family, and for not choosing nursing as a career. He strongly felt that if I did nursing, my life would have been better, and in turn, I would've been able to support my family a little bit. I was a bit angry leaving L.A. that day.
I was suppose to go to Georgia to spend Thanksgiving with my best friend's, Tyler's, family, but instead, I had to leave that Monday up his Thanksgiving with his family, and instead, he drove with me to L.A. That was a hard drive. There were times I cried while on the steering wheel, had to slow down because I could not see well with the tears in my eyes. Many scenarios played in my head, all the "what ifs" that I could have done, that could've extended my father's life. What if I did move home after college? What if I did pursue nursing? What if I did provide financial support to my family instead of spending most of my money trying to live the independent life here in Denver? What if I can bargain God for something just to get him back or to turn this whole ordeal into a dream? What if his disappointment with my choices led to his death? What if... What if....
The night before my father passed away, I was talking to my roommates at the time, and telling them how angry I was for making me feel guilty for my decisions. My last feeling towards my father before he passed away is anger. That, I cannot accept and that's something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. That feeling gnaws inside of me. I love my family, I love my father, I love my mother. I do hope that my father is proud of me. I don't know if he can see me right now,watching me. If he does, I hope he is still proud of me. I am like him, he and I are more alike than different. I hope he realizes that. I miss him so much, I see my face in the morning, and I see him. Part of him is with me, but I miss all of him. I miss his corny jokes, his heart to help out people, and put their needs ahead of his,his love for his family and his wife, his perseverance to provide for his family, and to bring us to greener pasture. I miss him.
--
Love,
Roel
